I can’t help but notice that many bloggers I read are writing about difficult personal experiences this week. Anxiety. Stress. Depression. Some of them are bloggers who read my blog, so it could be that what I’ve been writing has prompted some of these thoughts.

On the other hand, last week we had a full moon. This week we’ll see Friday the 13th. Coincidence?

Keeping me awake at night lately are my fears about reactions to tomorrow’s National Coming Out Day events on campus. My students inspire me with their courage and determination, though.

Update: PRIDE rocked the muthafu*kin’ house today! Take that, homophobes!

I believe in blurring the boundary between the personal and the professional in the space of an academic blog, or showing how that boundary is a fiction. A sometimes useful fiction, perhaps, but still a fiction. However, I’m experienced enough to know that many readers will see that blurring as inappropriate and professionally risky. Furthermore, glib and cryptic blog entries about extremely serious things don’t do anyone any good, so I’ll try my best to be frank.

I’m going through a great deal of stress right now. It affects every single aspect of my life. The pain is physical as well as emotional. I’m doing the best that I can, but frankly the best that I can doesn’t often feel good enough. This level of stress and unhappiness is to be expected with the changes I’m going through, I know: the end of a marriage, a 1,000-mile move, a new job with a higher workload. It’s important for me to try to remember to cut myself some slack, but that’s easier said than done.

In the last few years, I have discovered a newfound empathy for students, and I tell them that I understand it’s hard to adjust to the new circumstances in which they find themselves. I try to respond appropriately when they do things that are not in their own best interest. It can be hard to do your best work when you are struggling just to make it through the day. This was not a connection I made before I was a professor in a tenure-track job. I am not a mental health professional, though, and I try not to let my empathy slide into some kind of intervention. There are services on campus for that kind of thing.

I’m walking around with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s hard for me to keep food down. I’m trying to determine who I can talk to about this and who needs to see the stiff upper lip, and so far I think I’ve chosen correctly. Everyone has been very supportive, and for that I feel fortunate. I believe I’m doing the things I should be doing to get through this, and I do actually have faith that I’ll get through this.

Writing blog entries that wallow unproductively in the pain that I’m feeling will, I believe, prolong that pain. As many bloggers and blog readers have observed, one’s blog is not just a record of one’s life. The blog actually contributes to the shape of that life, as does any autobiographical writing. Once you put thoughts into words, they achieve a kind of permanence they would not otherwise have. I cherish the reflection this writing engenders, and so I want to be responsible to myself and to my readers in the kind of writing I produce.

So those of you who are worried about me should know that I’m not doing especially well, but I’m getting by. And there are people who are helping me.

Edited to add

1. Why even write an entry like this? In part because I believe in demystifying mental health. No one expects to get through life without physical illness, so why expect to escape mental illness? I am grateful to those bloggers who, like Liz Lawley, have been open about their own struggles. It makes me feel like less of a failure. I hope that my honesty is helpful to others, too. I’ll stand with those whose life experiences strengthen their empathy. If you think that people who suffer from anxiety attacks and depression are “pretentious asshole[s],” then that says a lot about you, none of it flattering. [I’m not referring to Krista’s blog entry, btw, but to the comment someone left on that entry.]
2. As I was writing up this blog entry at Barnes & Noble, the redhead sitting across from me kept looking me over. Hey, I thought, maybe bookstores are good places to meet new people. Then reality set in: Oh, wait, she’s not checking me out. She’s just wondering why I’m crying. Look, I said I was depressed. I didn’t say I’d lost my sense of humor.

It’s 7:00 in the morning, and I’m in the office: showered, shaved, dressed, caffeinated. I was in bed by 9:30 last night. Then I woke up at 2:00. Then 4:00. Then 5:00. I finally just got out of bed at 6:00. I cannot go on like this. I’m too tired.

There are no loud noises in the night waking me up. I’m not drinking excessive caffeine, just one cup of coffee in the morning and one Diet Coke later in the day (usually just before or after lunch). I’m eating healthily. I’m exercising. I’m not on any new medications. Maybe it’s just the energy of the semester that’s keeping me wired.

I need some suggestions. What have you found helpful when you find yourself in this situation?

technorati: sleep, insomnia, bleg

I took my guitar and amp over to Peter‘s this afternoon, and we did a bit of improvisational goofing around for about three hours. It was fantastic. I recently accquired one of these, and it produces some really beautiful effects.

When the pizza delivery guy showed up, he told us he was in four (!) local bands, so we invited him in to talk about music. He declined playing with us, but he left knowing about Hub Bub as a potential performance venue.

Not a bad day.

Update: I forgot the best part! As we talked about improvisation, the pizza guy told us a story about going to see a performance in which two musicians used a variety of different instruments, moving from one to another as they progressed through song after song. When he noticed that the drums were being underused, this guy jumped on stage and played percussion with them for their entire set. And the original performers were not at all thrown off track by the unexpected guest musician.

…so let’s try to keep it that way. Like many of you, I’ve recently gone to such events as new faculty orientation sessions, “welcome back” breakfasts, and human resources workshops. I like it here. I have a bunch of new friends, many of them academics like me and many of them not. In response to the question Why did you leave your previous job?, I have two answers. One of them is longer and somewhat more complicated. The shorter one, which I like better is this: I’m a salt water fish, and that was a fresh water environment.

Inspired by Geeky Mom, here is my (admittedly general) working list of personal and professional aspirations for the coming year. I will probably update this a bit:

1. In general, do what I want to do in my teaching, research, and service without worrying about whether it will get me tenure. This is paradoxically, I am convinced, the way to get tenure. If it isn’t, well, I’m not going to turn myself into something I am not (see “salt water fish” above). I haven’t done the random quotations meme, but I like this Emerson quote found at Julie’s: “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” If, in however many years, I am not tenured, then that’s the institution’s loss, and I’ll be on to something else.
2. Be more disciplined about scheduling my time: writing, class prep, grading, teaching, service. Make use of iCal, my new Palm, all those self-help books on productivity. No tv and no Internet at home should help a great deal. I also want to create a long-term tentative calendar of goals and plot the way to achieve them.
3. Get into the habit of not saying yes or no immediately.
4. Pay better attention to my health. If my body is happy, my mind is usually happy.
   • Exercise regularly. Make it to the gym at least three times a week, and hopefully five. Take the classes at my gym: yoga, spinning Group Ride™, and Centergy™.
   • Eat well more often than not: complex carbohydrates, lots of fruits and vegetables, plenty of protein, plenty of water. Allow myself an ice cream cone or some Krispy Kreme donuts now and again.
   • Get plenty of sleep every night.
5. Next spring, start looking for a place to buy here in Sparkle City. Now is the time, and there are plenty of cool, old homes within walking distance of the (surprisingly, for a town this small) happenin’ downtown.
6. Stay single for awhile. If I meet someone who knocks me over with her wit, charm, and beauty…well, I just have to trust that I’ll know what to do. Otherwise, I plan to enjoy hanging out with friends.
7. Go to New Orleans for Spring Break 2007 to help with the recovery effort.
8. See as many musical performances as I can. Music makes me happy. Jeff Tweedy was great. I’m going to see Cat Power in Atlanta on September 12 with Scrivener. I think I’ll go see go to this show (featuring a friend of mine I haven’t seen in awhile) in Asheville on September 6. And there will be lots of acts to see at the Hub Bub Showroom.

Update: When I go to Kansas City next month, I’m going to get a black star tattooed on the outside of my right arm opposite the pen? that currently resides on the inside.

So what are your aspirations for the coming year?